I hate when I get to the point of exploding with things to say, my feelings, my thoughts get ridiculously loud. I’m so scared. So hurt. So confused. I’m in between reality and some other place I’m not dreaming it’s not good enough to be a dream. Not wishing either. I’m lost. Honestly really really lost. Really down. I’m running but I’m really stuck. I’m swimming but actually I’m drowning. I want to know other people but I don’t even know myself. I’m fucked up. A fucking disaster. Life’s hard yeah I know. Everyone on this Earth figures that shit out real quick. Everyone has it hard. Some worse than others. But no one know’s how hard something really is for someone. No matter how small it seems to be for you, for them it could be the worst hurt they’ve ever had. It’s all just a release.. Doesn’t make sense to any of you I’m sure but that’s alright. I’ll do my thing you do your’s.
This chapter starts now, no more lookin down. I’m back behind the wheel and I’m drivin through town. I got this simple thought when you drove by “I’m not goin to give a fuck cause I’m too high”. I smoke with my friends time and time again, You’ll never get it, you never fuckin did. After all your just a fuckin kid. Stay in this town let it eat you alive, cause I’ll be leaving with my shit, and my pride. Almost forgot I’ll have that dime bag too, cause your a fucking bitch and I’m done with you. Peace.
I just want to run away from it all.. But I can’t run. Why? I don’t know, I just can’t. A deep, deep inhale of smoke would be a relief for a little while. But that’ s not right. Nothing I do seems to be right. Quote, “I’m in love with a girl who loves me better.” So true. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like I’m being looked down upon from a lot of people. I feel like more of a disappointment than anything. I swear I have good intentions and all I want to do is the right thing. But I feel like a dysfunctional toy. Meant to bring people happiness and smiles all the time. Smiles and happiness I bring for a little while until I’m left out on the floor and stepped on. Now I’m a broken toy, I bring no smiles or happiness. Maybe there is a happy ending to this toy story but for right now I’m broken and left in the toy box to be looked over. Just lay there, still, and watch other toys being played with.
Dear Mom, Why is everything between us great one minute but the next I have to tip toe around you and fear to look in your direction? You break then fix me over and over again. I haven’t done anything for you to be mad about lately but for some reason today your mad at me I can tell. I just want to make you proud but I don’t know how. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you everything but I’m scared you’ll reject me. At 15-16 I felt like I finally had the relationship with you I always wanted. Couldn’t tell you everything, still can’t, probably never will. But I can’t risk loosing the mom I finally earned. Why are you so jaded? Can I ever tell you my secret?
Dear sister, What happened to us? You were always there for me. When mom was mean to me I called you and you came and got me no matter how pissed she was at you. Now we hardly see each other or talk for that matter. It’s my fault. I’ve become distant from everyone. You always want me to come to the lake or come up. You call me I ignore it, I say I’ll call you I never do. I was supposed to call you today, did I? No. I don’t always feel bad though. Right now I feel bad. But I don’t hear what I want or need to hear from you anymore. Your becoming just like mom and I never expected that.. I thought you’d always say you were proud of me or compliment me randomly. That’s all gone now, has been. Would you love me no matter what? Or do I have to meet your standards perfectly? Whatever your standards even are. Can I ever tell you my secret?
Dear dad, I don’t know who you are, I don’t care to know you because you never cared to know me. I just wanted to thank you for donating sperm to my mom since the only successful thing you have ever done was create life. I graduated this year I don’t know if you knew that or not. Sent you a graduation invitation. Thanks for the card you didn’t send and the seat you didn’t fill at graduation. I really don’t mind because I never needed you and I never will. I made it with out you. I know you don’t care and you will never read this but makes me feel a little bit better to just put it out there.
Dear girlfriend, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t think you know how thankful I am to have met you and made you mine. Sure the first time around for us wasn’t always good. In fact sometimes it was hell. But sometimes it was great. But it went down hill and we went our separate ways. Four months later something brought us back together. And I’ll be first to say I have never been happier. Your parents hate the idea of us, your parents hate me. Everyday it bugs me and hurts me. But you pick me up and give me the will to keep pushing. Our love is so strong it can conquer anything I tell myself that everyday. And I couldn’t agree more babe. I really just want to say I’m sorry. I mess up. I never want to because I just want to make you happy and never bring a frown to your face, or a tear from your eye. But as much as I want too I can’t promise, I won’t because I know I’m not perfect. I don’t think you would want me to be perfect anyway. I’m so thankful to have found someone how loves me for me. I know I don’t have to go out of my way or my comfort zone to impress you. I try my hardest to respect you. And I’ll always love you. Your so beautiful inside and out. Your the girl who deserves to be called beautiful. Calling you hot or sexy is disrespecting you. No man/boy deserves to look at you anyway. Your my Queen and I’m your lady King =] I won’t put no one above you and I promise to always be loyal and to love you. Through thick and thin. No matter what baby girl June 2nd 2012 I’ll take you away to our never never land. He won’t hurt you no more, you won’t be lonely no more, and most importantly you won’t be trapped no more.
p.s Baby girl I love you.
As the music plays it flows through me. I hear it, I feel it, and sometimes I see it. As the music plays my heart beats in harmony to bass. Music is a thunderstorm. The lightning strikes a lifeless soul, and the thunder rumbles against the ear drums. Music is life.
I’m going to put it all down right now.. I’m going to let it all come out onto the table right here right now. No holding back no quitting I’m writing until I have nothing more to say. First things first.
Who are you to judge me for who I am? You tell me the things your daughter has done with me disgust you. Well join the rest of the people like you. You will go to hell before I will for judging me and telling me the way I’m living my life is wrong. I believe in God, I believe my God loves me and is not counting my sins. Your daughter never was and never will be just a “fuck” to me like she was to a boy. You know who. If I had children, I as a parent would rather my child be happy, loved, and respected for who they are by ANY gender. Than taken to have sex with by a drunk kid that JUST wants to have sex and leave with nothing more. Yes your name may be frowned upon but isn’t it already? I don’t understand how you would be happy with yourselves by making your daughter unhappy. I don’t understand how you will tell me no to seeing or even speaking to your daughter. When I want nothing but the best for her and always have. You only know the bad things and even that it’s of our PAST relationship. But even if I broke down in tears and told you how much I love your daughter and I still beat myself up for saying some of the things I said and done you wouldn’t care because to you it’s not okay. It never will be okay to you. And you told me we are Christians we were not raised that way. I was raised a Christian as well. I believe in God I love God and he loves me. I know I am not the strongest follower but it says believe in me and you’ll have everlasting life. I do believe. He loves me regardless of the things I do.. I know you can’t help who you love and I can’t help that your daughter fell in love with me and I fell in love with her. We share a feeling millions of other people share for each other. And I don’t think my father would send me to hell for honestly loving a female. I also understand you are her parents and you make your child’s decisions until they are old enough to make their own.. I would say 16 is old enough to make quite a few decisions for themselves. You also told me I’m not what’s best for her and the hard times she went through.. Yeah I understand.. You were hinting they were my fault. If you cared about her like you say you do. You might ask her what makes her happy what she truly wants in life and you’ll love and support her regardless. I’m just a girl that’s madly in love with your daughter. Can that really be so bad?
I am just digging a deeper hole for you and I’m sorry. Even though we aren’t what we used to be I just wish you the best. Even though numerous people can’t understand why I am so concerned for you, I still care and I’m still here for you. I’m sorry your parents are making everything so hard. I guess what the best thing for you is for me to just leave you alone?
Well I had totally started writing because I just needed to write and get it all out.. I felt safe writing here. But this place isn’t safe for me anymore. Thanks so much a certain ex =/
Your touch drives me insane. In a good way =] When you kiss me my stomach turns to knots. I love the look in your eye when you want it. When you bite your lip when your thinking dirty it makes me smile. My heart races when you lightly run your finger tips down my neck and back, and on my thighs. I love the look in your eye when your undressing me with your eyes. I love the little things you do to me, but they drive me up the wall =]. Your attitude turns me on bad. And I love that you know how to touch me, when, and where at exactly the right time. And I love knowing the same about you. but it’s until next time J.
You can leave for awhile, yeah it hurts. But don’t leave forever and I’ll be alright.
Girl, I feel like I’m ripping down your walls of solitude. I love you babe without a doubt but the last, and I mean the very last thing I want to do is make you hurt. I’d do whatever it takes to make you happy even if that means seeing you with someone else. As long as you are as happy as you can be. By all means I understand there isn’t 100 percent happiness but I wish you nothing less than 95 percent of happiness. Your the best friend I could ever ask for because you know me, you know all of me. Your there when I need you. You know how to make me smile. You can make me laugh without a doubt. We can talk about anything and everything. And on top of the amazing friendship we have. We share a love. A love that I treasure with all of my being. I used to hate loving you because I couldn’t have you for myself. But it’s okay now. It’s more than okay, it’s amazing. I love loving you. Without this love I’d be empty, I probably wouldn’t of even had the chance to develop the friendship I have with you without this love. If I never get a chance to be your lover, to have that relationship with you I’ve always dreamed of. At least I can say that I shared a friendship with the most amazing person I’ve ever met. And I can still say that I was lucky enough to experience love the real feeling of love. And I would never ask to share it with another person as long as I live. And yes I will most likely always be waiting for my chance to show you my undying love for you. But as long as we are always friends not having that chance doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
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